Sorry but its inevitable...

Oscar Pistorius.

Oscar wanted to get a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine's Day he had to take her out.

If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with only 2 blades.

His lawyer's got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility. He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.

Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The IOC say he's a front runner at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.

Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine's Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.

New Valentine's Day card: "Roses are red, violets are glorious. Never creep up on Oscar Pistorius."

Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder … footprints !

She didn't notice Oscar stalking her.. It was the silence of the limbs.

And finally,

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic!

* Last updated by: yannih on 10/26/2014 @ 6:44 PM *

The entries here have gone kind of quiet for a while, possibly because of my Pistorius jokes.
But that sort of thing has never bothered me too much so I thought "What the hell, let's take it a few levels lower".

Don't tell this one to the kiddies...

A ship sinks and the only survivor washes up onto a small island paradise in the middle of nowhere with a population of only around 50 people.
He is presented in front of the chief of the island and told he can stay and all will be provided for him but the only thing to be aware of is the possibility of incest due to the small number of inhabitants.

As time goes on and he settles into his new life he meets a nice girl and eventually goes to her hut to take her out on an island date.
Her father opens the door and after a quick chat advises he is surprised with the timing as it's his daughters time of the month.
Surprised, the survivor asks how the father knew that?
"Easy" came the response.
"My sons dick tastes different".

* Last updated by: yannih on 1/9/2015 @ 10:06 PM *

ROFLOL!!!

This guy cracks me up, click

Sometimes short and sweet is bloody funny...

Little Champion

* Last updated by: yannih on 1/19/2015 @ 3:17 AM *

Hahahaha,
The feline version...

The government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper and a payroll officer, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer , Assistant Admin. Officer and a Legal Secretary .

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house!"

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first."

One for the Ausies

A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the
Australian Outback and he has no experience with women.

She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each
other......So, they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the
evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband
standing in the middle of the room, naked.

All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner."What happened?" she
asks.

"I've never been with a woman" he says,

"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can
get!"

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman
next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
...I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on,
honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up
your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.

You better roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Stew with them two arseholes.'

You have to love a joke that begins with 'Stew died in a fire'

Lymeric time:

There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
Said he," I admit, she does stink like shit..."
"... but think of the money I've saved!"

Mad

ug!

Hey Mad, you wanna to go to that level?
Okay.

What's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of menstral blood?
You can't gargle sand...

Grggggglslgrgg...what? I was gargling.....

Mad

huh-huh...a white rhino trying to climb into a car! That's funny!

A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting.

When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The client grumbles, "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news."

"Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least $3 million."

"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So what's the bad news?"

"The two pictures are of you with your secretary."

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting

A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......

Two Irishmen...

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.
“Send me lawn away to be mowed."